‘People usually talk about ‘nothingness’.’ She sounded annoyed.
‘So?’ the Voice was casual.
‘They get into profound discourses or do mere word- transferences about it, but do they really get any clue to its whereabouts? I mean by saying that ‘nothingness’ does exist wont it be a negation of ‘Being’?’ she uttered her annoyance.
‘Do YOU have anything valuable to say on this?’ the Voice asked.
‘Me? Eh no, nothing…’ her eyes went empty, her tone got shuddered but her pretense was still nonchalant.
‘Empty?’
‘Big time’
‘I am not surprised, but is it that you bringing nothingness and emptiness to comparison or confusing them both with each other?’ the Voice suspected.
‘Nada! I know emptiness. It means to get devoid of something, vacant- when somebody leaves and the place is left desolate… when you feel your soul along with your body drained off, deprived to the degree of barren thoughts, numb pricks of emotions.. Oh! Did I explain it well?’
‘Ah! Yes miss clinically depressed.’ It was wryly confirmed.
‘So I am, thanks.’ She retorted.
‘Ever tried on ‘Nothingness’?’ the Voice was grave.
‘Perhaps… no.’
‘Then get on its bandwagon to get rid of your emptiness. Bound thyself to the realms beyond your physical planet.’ A sincere command came.
‘Whatever will happen then? Would then my life get riddance of its pointlessness? All sins will get purged into dust? Would I be able to get back my already shriveled wings I lost through my stupid transgressed learned helplessness?’
‘Whoa! Sure of a temper you’ve got lady!’ the Voice pretended unnerved.
‘Seriously, there was a time I felt too crammed up with life that my vintage vessel kept on spilling the conformed patterns of wisdom and just could not take in new dimensions to potentiate until the last ones had unraveled, but did they? I am losing connection to my real self.’ She enunciated with self-pity.
‘Is it a confession?’
‘No, in fact I am telling you my existing worries this time. Currently my word is ‘empty’; hardly few remnants of that infinite wisdom or that natural inner intelligible energy I feel inside. I was too afraid of ‘not knowing’ that I kept loading myself on, not knowing that the brim is just not compatible with every form of filling.’ She admitted wistfully.
‘Have you ever tried to hunt out the reason?’
Ponder swayed in her eyes before she replied, ‘Reason could possibly be like I made myself habitual of inviting hurt, expectations I nullified, befriended fears and regularly granted what I should have desisted strictly.. And the eventual lost of my Precious.’
With a short pause she continued,’the thing is all this have desensitized me, my mind and my soul as well to the point of languid pace I am crawling at.’
‘You should rephrase your word from ‘emptiness’ to ‘numb emptiness’ ‘cause that sounds more apt for your current state of mind.’ The Voice teased her.
She grimaced at it for a second and then ignored it.
‘Emptiness could be paraphrased as an optimistic credibility of your perspective. The vessel is empty to be refilled with more wisdom and meaningfulness; embrace the change within and around with more positive energy than ever.’ The Voice tried sounding reasonable this time until it said, ‘Ugh! I hate sounding psychological it makes me feel psychotic afterwards.’
‘Not more than me Mr. Shrink.’ She in actual was hardly paying any heed to this insipid talk.
‘Something new, Wudja please?!’ she pleaded.
‘Let go of yourself, avoid the tidbits; enjoy the bigger picture of life. Be compassionate towards yourself.. and…’ before the yap could get more further she cut it off abruptly with:
‘If you ask me today what I loathe the most I’d answer my “self-centeredness”.’
‘Then ditch your ego- yourself, the foremost.’
‘How?!!’ she exclaimed.
‘Stop clinging to your self-image. Look at the world with the eyes of your own conscience, start owning yourself and do not be pushy on it according to the superfluous norms and lewd desires of the surroundings. The Voice begged her, ‘This is not new but this is something I have been telling you to do since long!’
‘Okay, I am in!’ she raised her both hands in surrender.
‘when was the last time you spoke to your God?’
‘God? Does He really listen to me?’ her mouth wilted in sadness.
‘Slack out your cynicism; breathe in His glory of which you were once used to.’
‘I miss Him.’
‘You have moved on, not Him.’ The Voice pronounced the fact.
‘I have never been so whining and fretful over trivial thoughts or random apprehensive matters; maybe that’s because I am wasting my strength on idle practices and futile worries.’
‘*humph* you surely are clinically depressed my child.’ The Voice interpreted her chagrin.
‘Darn! You’re so right.’
‘Ruin is the road to transformation; redeem your transformation from ruin through intensifying your contact with your soul.’ The Voice sustained.
‘My soul is sick and I have lost the prescription for its recovery and purification.’ She declared.
‘Have you? You seem to be stung by this duniya then.’
‘Duniya?’ she got anxious.
‘Yes duniya. You have fallen in love with the creation rather than the Creator!’
Her eyes drooped at the very thought, ‘Yes. Yes my heart looms between this duniya and my love for God. Now my heart haunts me, bothers my mind.’
‘That’s why I keep on urging you to renounce the domination of your ‘self’. Look up to Him not to your own self.’
‘I feel ashamed of my transgressions.’ An insecurity.
‘He is the Acceptor of repentance.’ An assurance.
‘I have been combating with myself this whole life and still I feel like I am stuck in a rut.’ Another insecurity.
‘Verify the route you are taking.’ A solution.
‘I always fail.’ Insecurity prevailed.
‘Failure is healthy until you take it as another milestone to your destination.’
‘What’s the key?’ this time hopeful surrender hopped in.
‘Nothingness- Look beyond your Self and He will hold you near. When nothingness imbues in your heart and soul, humility automatically alters your agnominal territory into a humble acquiescent abode where it sows pearls of His wise Love and Peace.’
‘My question persists, “How?”’
‘Persevere. When an untamed thunderstorm hits the city only those buildings survive whose foundations are strong and tough.’ The Voice hit the nail on the head this time.
Love is strength and not a weakness, hold onto that. When you make peace with yourself persevere in your faith in Love.. and yes rest, if you must but don’t you quit!
[ Allah ] said, “Fear not. Indeed, I am with you; I hear and I see. AlQur`an-20:46
“Whoever loves for Allah’s sake, hates for Allah’s sake, gives for Allah’s sake and withholds for Allah’s sake has a perfect faith.” Abu Dawud
O Allah! Purify my heart from hypocrisy, my deeds from any kind of Ria (boasting), my tongue from lying and my eyes from treachery. For indeed only You know the treachery of the eyes and what lays hidden in the breasts. Ameen ya Rabb.
I ponder a lot. My mind wanders and my perennial glib to discern the false indictments pursue with tacit disquietness while wandering. At present I am sitting on a wooden bench while I have left my mind on the random tides of thoughts somewhat aware of the scorching sun on my back. ‘Hush! Someone might over smell your gibberish fumes of misery you have faced.’ I halted my mind from wandering more and tried to focus my vision on the hurrying feet of the pedestrians passing by. I see my shadow casting and lying in front of me on the path and rushing strides strolling over it without any deliberate on-looking on it. I felt a sudden tinge of possessiveness and thought, ‘This is the only thing wholly belongs to me how could they just tread over it so cruelly?’ But I didn’t move and sat there submissively as if on a second thought I have issued them the connivance to chastise my shadow without any hearing, without any law been deployed. Conquering the affect of the kaleidoscope of chagrin and ostensible aloofness a thought came which said, ‘Would I rather just sit here idle and let them be so cruel to trot over my very property?’ that just crushed my very pride and the next moment my ego yanked up. ‘Of course they won’t halt back and be cautious to step over your shadow as they have more important businesses and other worries of life to take care of.’ I mused and wondered realistically and heaved up from the bench and then moved on with my shadow accompanying me.
